Ask the Coach is our column where readers share a situation from their love life and Coach Ena, founder of Nubian Connections, answers with honesty and care. This story is inspired by situations we often hear about; names and details have been changed.
The letter
Dear Ena,
I met him eight months ago at a friend’s birthday dinner. He is kind, ambitious, attentive. We see each other every weekend, we talk every day, he has met my closest friends. Everything feels like a relationship, except that he has never called it one.
Last month I finally asked where we were going. He told me he really cares about me, but that he is “not ready for a relationship right now” because of work and a difficult divorce two years ago. He asked me to be patient.
I am 37. I want a family, and I do not want to waste years. But I also do not want to lose someone I care about because I pushed too hard. Should I wait for him?
Amara, 37, London
Coach Ena answers
Dear Amara,
Thank you for writing with so much honesty. What you describe is something many accomplished women live through, and it often hurts more than a clear ending, because there is hope on one side and uncertainty on the other. Let me share a few thoughts.
1. Believe what he tells you
When a man says he is “not ready for a relationship”, he is giving you important information. It may be true for now, it may change, but it is his current answer. Too often we hear “not yet” and translate it into “soon”. Take his words seriously, exactly as they are, rather than as you would like them to be.
2. Look at the whole picture
He is present, attentive, and has introduced you to people who matter. That counts. A divorce can leave real wounds, and some people need time before committing again. The question is not whether he cares about you. It is whether he is moving towards commitment, or simply enjoying the comfort of a relationship without its responsibilities.
Patience is a gift when it leads somewhere. Without a direction, it slowly becomes self-abandonment.
3. Be clear about your own needs
You know what you want: a committed relationship and a family. That is not pressure, it is your truth. You can say it calmly: “I care about you, and I want a committed relationship. I need to know whether that is something you see with me.” You are not giving an ultimatum. You are giving him the same honesty you are asking from him.
4. Ask for something concrete
“Be patient” is not a plan. If he is sincere, he should be able to tell you what would make him ready, and whether he is doing something about it: talking to someone about his divorce, making space in his life, imagining a future with you. A real intention usually comes with real steps.
5. Decide how long feels right to you
Only you can decide how long you are willing to wait, but decide it consciously, not by default. Ask yourself: “If nothing changes in three or six months, how will I feel?” Your answer will tell you a great deal.
Whatever you choose, remember this: wanting a serious relationship is not asking for too much. The right person will not experience your clarity as pressure, but as a relief.
With warmth,
Coach Ena
About Coach Ena
Ena Chartier is the founder of Nubian Connections International and a certified coach trained in positive psychology. Drawing on a background in human resources and recruitment, she helps women and men move beyond what holds them back and raise their standards, so they can flourish and build the relationship and the life they truly want.
Frequently asked questions
What does it mean when a man says he is not ready for a relationship?
It means that, at this moment, he does not feel able or willing to commit. It can be temporary, for example after a separation, but it should be taken at face value rather than interpreted as “soon”.
Should you wait for someone who is not ready?
Only if you see concrete signs of movement towards commitment and if waiting does not mean giving up what you want. Setting yourself a clear time frame helps you decide with a clear mind.
Can I send my own question?
Yes. You can share your story with us. It may be answered in a future Ask the Coach column, always anonymously.
Would you like to talk about it?
If your situation resonates with Amara’s, a private coaching session can help you see clearly and decide what is right for you. And if you are ready to meet someone who shares your intentions, our matchmaking services are here for you.
Have a question of your own? Share your story, anonymously. Looking for a serious relationship? Request a private consultation.
