Ask the Coach is our column where readers share a situation from their love life and Coach Ena, founder of Nubian Connections, answers with honesty and care. This story is inspired by situations we often hear about; names and details have been changed.
The letter
Dear Ena,
I am 41, I have a career I am proud of, a beautiful daughter and wonderful friends. But in love, I seem to go from one disappointment to the next.
After my divorce, I tried the apps. There was the man who disappeared after three months without a word. The one who was “separated” but still living with his wife. The one who loved my independence at the beginning, then reproached me for it. Each time, I gave a little more of myself, and each time I came out of it a little more tired.
Today I no longer trust men, and if I am honest, I no longer really trust myself either. I wonder whether I am the problem, whether I choose badly, whether I am asking for too much. A friend suggested a matchmaking agency. Part of me is curious; another part thinks it is a last resort for people who have failed. Would an agency really be right for someone like me?
Nadia, 41, Paris
Coach Ena answers
Dear Nadia,
First, thank you. It takes courage to write what you have written, especially when you are used to being the strong one. Let me tell you straight away what I would tell you face to face: you are not the problem, and you are not asking for too much.
1. Disappointments say more about the path than about you
Look at your story again. A man who vanished, a man who was not free, a man who could not handle your independence. These are not proofs that you are unlovable. They are proofs that you met people who were not available, not honest or not ready. Many of these encounters happen in places where nobody has checked anyone’s intentions, and where everyone can present the best version of themselves for a few weeks.
2. Lost confidence comes back through small steps
When you have been hurt several times, your mind tries to protect you: “Don’t hope too much, don’t give too much.” That reflex is understandable, but it can also keep the right person at a distance. Rebuilding trust starts with you, not with men: recognising what you did well, what you tolerated for too long, and what you will no longer accept. That is not hardness. It is clarity.
You do not need to lower your standards. You need to meet people who can meet them.
3. An agency is not a last resort
Choosing a matchmaking agency is not admitting failure. It is choosing a different method. You would not recruit a key person for your company by scrolling through anonymous photos. Why should the most important relationship of your life depend on an algorithm? A good agency does what apps cannot: it takes time to understand you, checks intentions, and introduces you to people who are looking for the same thing as you.
4. What an agency can, and cannot, do for you
Let me be honest, because you deserve honesty. An agency cannot guarantee love, and nobody should promise you that. What it can do is save you energy, protect your privacy, filter out people who are not serious, and support you between introductions so that you do not face doubts alone. At Nubian Connections, this is exactly why we offer two levels of support: Direct Connections, if you want a profile carefully written and shared while you choose whom to meet, and Prestige, if you want a personalised search with candidates assessed before any introduction.
5. Start by taking care of yourself
If you feel tired and wary today, give yourself a little time to breathe before your next meeting. Some women start with a few coaching sessions to make peace with past disappointments, clarify what they truly want and regain confidence. Others feel ready to begin straight away. There is no wrong order. The only thing I would ask of you is not to close the door on love because of people who did not deserve to walk through it.
You have built a beautiful life, Nadia. You have every right to want someone to share it with.
With warmth,
Coach Ena
About Coach Ena
Ena Chartier is the founder of Nubian Connections International and a certified coach trained in positive psychology. Drawing on a background in human resources and recruitment, she helps women and men move beyond what holds them back and raise their standards, so they can flourish and build the relationship and the life they truly want.
Frequently asked questions
Is a matchmaking agency right for me after several disappointments?
It can be, especially if you are tired of apps and want to meet people whose intentions are clearer. A first private consultation, without obligation, helps you decide whether it suits you now or whether you would benefit from some coaching first.
How can I trust men again after being hurt?
Trust comes back gradually: by understanding what went wrong, setting clear boundaries, and meeting people in a context where honesty and intentions matter. Coaching can help you through this process.
Can I send my own question?
Yes. You can share your story with us. It may be answered in a future Ask the Coach column, always anonymously.
Would you like to talk about it?
If Nadia’s story speaks to you, a private coaching session can help you rebuild confidence and see clearly. And when you feel ready to meet someone serious, our private consultation is the first step.
Have a question of your own? Share your story, anonymously. Ready to meet someone serious? Request a private consultation.
